Rest in Peace My Big Boy

Sleep Well Rocky. Sept 2008 - 25 Dec 2010, he was two. It's never easy and never will be when you lose someone, in my case my dog, labrador retriever Rocky. First thing I noticed is that the house is too quiet. I miss him whining to go out for a pee, wanting to play..sob, sob.. Love you Rocks. Now you have wings, and guarding the gates of Heaven.

Responsible Me

Not bad for tuesday. I have tonnes of documents to sign today, an accummulation of 1 day out of office piled up. I should not complain i guess, and don't get me wrong I'm not. It's a great thing to have something to do and keeps you busy at most times. Not that I am nursing a broken heart or something but merely keeping abreast of work.

After coming back from Manila, I've realised something I was thinking all along. The many times I have visited Manila, I was always attached, having a partner. And this time around, I am single (including the february trip). It's kinda cool to be single again for a while..and maybe that's the kind of life I want to be in, at the moment. I'm not pushing aside the dating game but i must keep them informed on what my needs are. It's highly irresponsible if you do not let your dates know that you are only there for the company and nothing more.

Unfortunately, I guess, there will be people out there whom I date, will eventually fall for me. I guess I'm not a bad guy. I'm fun to be with and accommodating in most situations. Now is that fair? Am I leading them on? Only if I do not tell them prior to the date that I was not looking for a relationship. But does that make me a bad guy? Maybe I am, but I cannot help it. I'm not ready to love & be loved. Reminiscing teh pain I have gone through, believe you me, I am not ready to get back into the bandwagon. Not for a while though.. But then again, it's good to have a bench mark. So, I am setting really high standards now. If I don't get the partner of my dream, then so be it..my loss.

This Used To Be My Playground Part 2

"Mommy these bricks are heavy" I said. I was carrying 3 bricks from the old house to the new house we were building. Several months later the house was completed. We were ecstatic. There were four of us kids now, my elder sister Grace, me, little sister Maria and the baby Adalita. I remembered mom & dad worked really hard doing the house. But it was cool coz the house is finally done. I got a small room. My sisters got the bigger room. We had a bigger kitchen, bigger house. It was grand! I was 5.

Then i got enrolled to St.Francis Kindergarten at the age of 5. I remembered when dad left, I screamed and cried and climbed the fence. A teacher tried to pull me off the fence. Aahh, I remembered that. But the very next day i couldn't wait to go to school. I love those plastercines. And i was quite the ladies man. I remembered kissing a girl or two. And those girls loved me. hahaha..must be my puppy dog eyes at that time. Now.. i wondered what happened to these girls.

At 6 I was enrolled to Sacred Heart Primary school. Darjah 1 Hijau. I remembered those wooden chairs & desk, damn small. I couldn't believe it when I visited my old school 2 years ago, and went to my old classroom. I was so small. I was at Sacred Heart Primary till I was at standard 6. I had a blast. I even started taking the bus home from standard 3. We were really independent kids back then. I bet my sisters would never let their kids take the bus. I did a lot of sports in primary school, and loads of fighting during recess time. We always have a 'fight' with the class 6 Merah. It went on from standard 5 to 6. I just love fighting I guess. Those days lunch was fried mee hoon and tow foo. It was around 50 cents only. What can you get at that price now? hehehehe.. Life was good.

This Used To Be My Playground Part 1

I used to love the sound of the raindrops on our zinc roof at Papar. I still do, maybe a reminisce of my childhood. I was probably 3 years old that time. Life was very hard. My dad worked hard to support his mestiza wife and two kids, my elder sister and me. Mom was pregnant carrying my sister Maria. Living in an old delipidated house, I remembered playing with our neighbours kids at the back of our wooden house. Mom was busy selling peanuts and watermelon to school children passing by our house. We were very poor. My four year old sister tried her best sealing the peanut filled plastic bag by burning the edges with a candle. My tiny hands couldn't coordinate well as I got burnt few times. Mom, wouldn't let me do it, so I resorted on playing football or throwing stuffs with my neighbours. We didn't have enough sometimes, that my dad would take me fishing by the river, Buang Sayang, I think. Yeah, we have dinner! That was all that could remember other than fall on my mouth once playing at the back of the kitchen where it had an open space. I would spread talcum powder all over and start sliding or 'skating' on the wooden floor with the neighbours kids. I had fun till i fell and broke my front tooth. Mom was not happy. She was the disciplinarian.

I remembered my dad driving a Fiat, EJB368. I loved that car coz I get to sit in front with that bench type seat. Dad used to put me on his lap when he drives and me pretending to drive that old Fiat. The steering wheel was thinner than those we have today. Then one day we moved to Kampung Dabak Penampang, my dad's kampong. We stayed in this way cooler wooden house, with large wooden windows. It was really exciting when we moved in. Mom started planting plants in Milo tins where she would put along the 4-5 steps staircase. I remembered food was enough, just enough. I remembered having fish 'basung' for lunch, some vegetables because that was all we could afford. Nevertheless mom always gets us really nice clothes. My sister Grace was always in this bareback dress. I seemed to recall, that's all she ever wore most of the time. I was always in little cute white singlets and shorts. Mom always insisted me wearing pyjamas at night with my little white shirt. One day though, my mom saw my 'talent' in sliding, so she made use of that so called skill to polish the floor using coconut husk. Initally I was so excited, I was sliding the husk , polishing the wooden floor enthusiastically. Then one day, I started to dread that task. But I had a wonderful childhood then. Then came my sister Maria, we call her Lulu. My sister & I took turns on the bouncy net to put her to slip. I sometimes fell asleep on the floor before she did.

As life was tough then, mom taught my sister and myself to cook, boil water using charcoal & firewood. I'm telling you it's exciting stuff! Then one fine day, I remembered mom got my sister dressed up and me too, as we were celebrating her birthday. The kampong kids started coming, I was busy playing with my aeroplane. I remembered her calling me, to sing happy birthday to my sister. I think she was four, in her brown floral bareback again. Having a cake was like winning the lottery then. Mom was more excited than us. She boiled some red coloured eggs. We hardly have them anymore I guess. The little party burst into full gear when us kids start screaming and playing. Mom told me not to start fighting with my sister, as we fight all the time.

We were poor then, but mom taught us about being happy to what we have. Was it a hard life? It was but we were happy until...

RESOLUTION

I have just finished, finally, arranged one of my songs to be included in my Engliah album. Me & Ben(my younger brother) completed it tonight after he made tortilla. Aahh, good to have a chef at home.

Resolution - this song is about people having to go through life changes and making resolutions to be better or do this they have not dreamed of doing. Its a dance track of which I am in the midst of negotiating with some dancers. Will be meeting them tomorrow and let them listen to the track. I will be performing this song hopefully, at the Miss Universe 2010 pageant at Beverly Hotel, kota Kinabalu in conjunction to the World AIDS day. Yup I'm doing this for free but heck, I get free publicity too. Ain't that bad though.

Need to get my dance routine ready by this weekend. I have 3 weeks to practise the dance routine which I hope would be fantastic! Fingers crossed.

What's Gonna Happen in 12 months Time

Let's see

22nd Nov 2010 - Launch Mr.Kaamatan 2010, 2011 Calendar

23rd Nov 2010 - Scuba Diving at Sapi Island

27th Nov 2010 - Calendar Photoshoot with Miss Universe 2010 at Mamutik Island

4th Dec 2010 - Miss Universe 2010 at Beverly Hotel

Preview of my new single during the event.

17th Dec 2010 - Launch Ms Universe Calendar 2011

18th Dec 2010 - Scuba Diving at Sapi island

24th Dec 2010 - Christmas with Family

25th Dec 2010 - Christmas overseas

30th Dec 2010 - Wedding photoshoot

10th Jan 2011 - KL Photoshoot

24th Feb 2011 - Taipei, Taiwan trip

9th March 2011 - Photoshoot, Mr Gay World. Manila (hmm interesting stuff).

April 2011 - Holiday somewhere exotic

27 May 2011 - Melbourne, Australia

June 2011 - Mr.Kaamatan 2011

July 2011 - No Plans

August 2011 - Bangkok

Sept 2011 - Nope nothing

Oct 2011 - Nope nothing too

Nov 2011 - No plans

Dec 2011 - Egyptian Holiday

We Do Need To Change

"I love you just the way you are". "I love you for who you are". Heard this before? To me personally, I find this statement overrated. I believe that change is sometimes good if it is a positive one. There is nothing wrong in changing ourselves. I do not believe in staying stagnant, refuse to change oneselves for betterment.

When we have a traumatic breakup, most times, we as human beings would make references to the past, reliving the chapters of the past and make comparisons. Now, I do this or let me rephrase it, I did it. A change is inevitable. Attitude towards a future relationship changes. Your perception changes. How you look and assess a new partner changes as well. I for one am more careful. I do not fall in love easily. It'll take me months before I could say the word I love you, and mean it. And now, it'll probably take even longer I guess. Fundamentally I am still the easy going, goofy, honest guy that everyone knows. However when it comes to the matters of the heart, then I have changed, not that much but enough for myself to notice. Don't get me wrong though. I have changed in a good positive way. I try, yup try to look at people's best characters. And try to learn to understand their negative traits more. That way, I am able to accept them eagerly and who knows eventually love them.

But till then, I am learning still but I am a believer in change and progress. I want to be a less bitter person and less competitive and most of all being judgmental. Is there any hope, then I hope there is. We do need to change.

I COULDN'T SLEEP

1:43am 28th Oct 2010. The only thing that is accompanying me other than my notebook isthe sound of the ceiling fan put on number 4. It is a warm night I must say. Nothing on but my light green checkered boxers. Normally, I would be asleep by now but somehow I am just not sleeping. Yawning my way through this post, I have nothing much in mind really. Nope, no problems at work. Neither do I have much of a personal problem lingering in my near inactive head nor do I suffer from insomnia, I do hope not. Maybe it's just one of those nights where, well, I just am not dozing of to zzzland.

This is probably a desperate attempt to make myself yawn enough, to hit my sleep button. I'd normally would just laze around the bed, rolling to every side of my queen size bed and eventually hit the sleep button. Don't we just wished we have the snooze, hibernate button. Sleep JR, sleep.. Working yet? Nope. I probably have a lot on my mind lately, subconsciously i am not so aware off. Or who am I kidding. I do. It's one of those time in your life where your decision will have a huge repercussion on another individual's life other than yours. They say it's cruel to be kind or it's kind to be cruel or what the heck! I can't think straight. Let's just say, I am planning to make a decision that may alter my present life and move to another chapter.

Start counting sheep JR. Backwards I was told. If I could only detach myself for a mere minute, I could probably get close enough to hit that elusive sleep button, for tonight anyway. Know what, a couple glasses of red wine would probably help. Naahh,..I'll stop here and get myself rolling all over the bed now. I'm sure to hit that sleep button soon enough. Here goes....

What's That Ice Cream Flavour?

Having tonnes of documents to sign, I reluctantly pushed my notebook away just to have these "bundles of joy" cleared. Nevertheless, there are things on my mind that keep playing over and over again like an old broken gramaphone. Do one really need to be in love to be in a relationship? Or do people really start out as friends and jumped into a relationship and slowly, like a tide, falls into romance?

Maybe when I had that traumatic break up last year, being in the receiving end of 3 broken relationships all due to betrayals, I am probably now too afraid of being in love. Maybe the fear of getting hurt again is just to pronounce. Sometimes in many lonely nights, that fear resonants and I just can't help feeling empty as the loneliness crept to my veins. Some days I feel like running away from it all, running aimlessly in the woods hopping the big bad wolf would gobble me up in his big tum-tum. Some days the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't stop moving, making me feel like regurgitating.

Where am I going now, sometimes I asked myself? I am happier than I was few months back, though. Yup, though. Immersing myself in the depth of these bundles of joy, work.. sometimes helps me to get these things off my head. I feel like the synapses of my brain are working overtime, shooting information at warp speed. I just don't feel right. Have you ever had an ice cream and tried to identify the flavour but you just can't? It tastes like vanilla but its not. Its not corn but it has a caramel taste. Its like that. I am contended but I can't figure out contended of what. And there are times, I wanted more ice cream to really identify their tastes to be sure. What's that ice cream's flavour? Get me?

When we are in a relationship, especially when it has just begun. Remember the adrenaline rush? The drug-like feeling (of course have not tried that) but that rush? The feeling of emptiness when you don't see your loved one. That burst of happiness you feel when you see him/her passing by the corridor. The wide smile you have when you get sweet text messages from them. I don't get those. I think I may have lost that 'in love' feeling. There's a void inside that I am yearning to fill up, however, I just can't put my finger on it.

I'd better get back to work. Relationships are great but so damn confusing sometimes. I need to get myself sorted out. Where's the Guiness!

How I Look Like?

Imagine that..me. I heard people calling me ugly before and I couldn't be bothered the least. But when I had a breakup last year, my perception towards my self image changed 360 degrees. I've started to believe that what they were saying all this time may have some truth in them. They are probably right. I have always been an avid photographer even during university. The man behind the lens was I and still am. I hardly enjoy getting my photos taken nowadays. I tend to avoid as much as I can. Can anyone get traumatised due to a broken relationship. I was left for someone better looking? And what about those heartless remarks made by people on ones appearance? I guess so. I never thought that I could be effected by it all. Blaming it on the fashion magazines doesn't help because we do know that most is not all are photoshopped to perfection. I am ugly..? The question mark may be inappropriate put in such sentence.

But realistically I don't consider myself goodlooking or even average looking as a matter of fact. I detest taking pictures of myself or anyone taking mine for that matter. I get too preoccupied of myself and where possible avoid it at all cost. Last weekend was probably the worst in many months. I was celebrating my friend's birthday and I am normally the one with the camera. However, this time, a friend brought his too. And next thing you know, I had few pictures taken. Did I have a choice you may ask? It's a friend's birthday so the photo is an inevitable one. I hope none is published in Facebook.

Do I envy some friends who I consider goodlooking? Yes I do, and even people walking down the street, or even those with good skin. I envy them. But do I want to rip the skin off their faces, the temptation has yet to come out of the closet. I'd rather it stays there. So, in the mean time, I guess I am neither Robert Pattison nor Brad Pitt. I'm stuck with this face,this skin.. live with it? Just as long as I am off the picture literally, I guess I will be just fine.

OH SANDAKAN!

It was in the month of May, hot & humid , just after the Kaamatan that I was informed that I will be taking care of Labuan branch. Was I ecstatic? I had mixed feelings to be honest. I did initially think that Labuan isn't that far from KK and I could commute on a weekly basis back to KK. But some organizational changes came about and I ended up being 'thrown' to Sandakan, the land of the orang utans. It was early July in 2006, when I made my first trip there, recalled the feeling of uncertainty and looking for a place to live. Near four years and 5 dogs later, I am still in Sandakan.

Sure, I have bought a house in KK, a nice one and recently renovated. But due to the breakup I had in November 2009, like a strong wind blowing across the table, pieces started to fall off the jigsaw puzzle and all came chrashing down. Picking up the pieces was the easy part but to put them back together piece by piece was not an easy task and mind up, involved so many emotional ups and downs. Eventually, last week,..the last piece of the puzzle was laid to rest right at the center of the puzzle. Did I eventually find peace of mind, am I finally happier and was there a sigh of huge relief? Definitely no. You might say, 'but you have the dogs to keep you company'. True they are a bundle of joy and bless them, they gave me, my weekend dosage of company and amusement..they are a funny lot with 5 different characters.

Living to me, gives me a better understanding of life. I would hope that my characters have become deeper and more rounded in personalities. I suppose life itself is a process, a stage where everyone holds a character. Now that I am older and wiser,..I take charge of my life better and see things on a broader range rather than see things that I wanted to see, that give me contentment and comfort. Fast forward,..here I am, looking for a new home for me and the dogs in Sandakan. Never did it came to mind that I'd be staying here 'permanently' after having to drive or fly to and fro for 4 long years. I have dreaded the thought of living in Sandakan and going through the weekends as I have experienced a couple of weekends grinding my teeth and praying that monday would come quickly. But then again, what was I doing? Look, it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. True?

Sandakan,..the place where I will finally settle down. Wondering what will happen to my new house in Penampang? Well I'm renting it out, two rooms anyway as I am keeping my room as and when I'm in town which will be like once a month. Sandakan may not have the finest pubs or bars or places that I enjoy going to but with the dogs by my side, a great career and someone who loves me but at a far distant..am I complaining? Not at all, not anymore that is. I have a good life.. I'm grabbing the bull by its horns and enjoy the wild crazy ride life has to offer. So, I might fall but heck, I can always stand up and start flying high again. I'm going to do it the right way..more often , people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, more money in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. I think it actually works in reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

Sandakan is a great town after all, I merely need to stop restricting and start opening up and see the beauty it has to offer. This is my home now.

WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?

I don't know.. I guess companionship. I good friend of mine said that I am a relationship kinda guy. I've have never been single since 2001. I even forgot how to date..scary. But now that I have truly moved on and dating again, I am beginning to enjoy the single life. I couldn't believe the number of people who actually fancy me! I have 2 proposals, as in to be in a committed relationship. It sounded great initially, but I asked myself just one time, yup just the one.. I think I'd give it a pass ..for now. Maybe I haven't met the right one yet.

Nevertheless, I do believe that I am actually enjoying myself without that 'tied down' feeling. You know when you are in a relationship and the 'reporting' of your whereabouts, your activities. I guess I'm not gonna miss that for now. So far from what my friend Max's statement,..love this guy, he's so funny. Sorry to disappoint you Max but frankly speaking I'm enjoying what I'm doing now..living my life to the fullest and smelling as many flowers as I can.. Bliss!

Understanding Friends

1:00 noon. I am still contemplating whether to take rice or something light today. I read an article saying that after a nice vacation, the 'feel good' feeling will resonate within you and stays there for at least 6 weeks. I must admit I had a great time in Manila last weekend with great friends. You get to know friends much better during holidays because I believe that the inhibitions are less and everyone wants to have fun. Hmm, my stomache's growling again second time in the last 20 minutes. Rice, noodles, buns.. we do this all the time don't we, not being able to choose what to eat.

Having said this, the weather is a bit too hot to handle nowadays so I might just sit in the office. Indecisiveness creeping in,..damn it. Oh Ok, i'll drive out and find something..anything. Like few people I know, they eat anything! I have one friend who has an uncanny ability to eat a lot of rice! 3 bowls at one session.! damn and he isn't that big at all. But where is he now.? I found out something really unexpected after I broke up with my ex. When we were together, we were always in this bunch of close friends who calls, text and go out for lunches, breakfasts, outings etc. However, after my ex cheated and betrayed me for one of our friends,..everyone has more affinity towards my ex. Oh yes, my ex is the more casual, fun, easy going type and i believe so am I. It has been 4 months now and nothing much changed.

I had an expectation that we you are a 'victim', you'll get more emotional support from your friends to get you going etc..those kind of bullshit. Am I bitter? Not so much now as I do know who my real friends after all. When you are down and out, initially they say its ok, you'll get through this. And then they shift to my ex and support the 'betrayer' more..and still are. Gone are the days of lunches, breakfasts, outings together. Hmm stomach still rumbling so I must eat. I guess I had too high of expectations on them afterall, we are friends for over 2 years. I must admit that they may also avoided inviting me, as my ex and the new love are in that group and they are trying to avoid confrontations and uneasiness. Well, I convince myself well enough.

My friend Jeff mentioned that Friends has No season,..but they do. Some anyway.. I don't have much expectations on friends nowadays. I had my share of betrayals by my so called best friend of 20 years. But I forgave him and his shortcomings regardless. I suppose that makes our lives a much more prolific and colorful in some rambling kinda sense. True and good friends are not complicated, I believe. They call you or text you just to say hi. To me, that is enough to justify a good friend. They care and remember.