Clay

Clarence Laiyap Goduli is a very dear friend. Today was a heart wrenching day at SMC. I was doing my yearly medical check up and met up with his family, Clay's partner and Clay of course. Bedridden, ryles tube in his lungs, to remove excess fluid building up in his lung cavity. He has cancer. Three years back when I was still in KK, we go out almost evryday for lunch or dinner or some weekend out doing stuff, music related mostly. He has always been complaining about his back. I remember telling him to see a doctor. Some friends said he went to have a back massage instead. The back pain came and gone. Until last year in August the pain became too much to bear that he went to see a specialist. He had a tumour in his backbone. He underwent treatment in Kk but they had to send him off to kuching for chemotherapy because the tumour was malignant, cancerous. The chemo took a toll on him, zapped his physical energy but not his spirit.

Whilst in kuching, he even took time off hospital to go shopping with Martin (our friend) who came and visited him. Last year he came home for his birthday 13th Feb 2008. Everyone who knew him came, so did I and Mesh. I gave him my first single of which I hope to record this week to listen and he used it as a background music for his birthday video & pics potraits. I called him on a regular basis to check on his health and just last week he went back home to his house in Taman kemayan, Penampang. He was living with his parents in Lokawi then.

Tuesday morning, I received a call saying that he was in critical condition. I tried to book an afternoon flght but it was full. I managed to get the last seat at 6:30pm. Upon arrival I rushed to Queen Elizabeth Hospital, 7:40pm, just past visiting hours. I forced the security to let me in and thankfully he did, reluctantly. I made it to the ICu but he has been transferred up to the 3rd floor. Face pale, oxygen mask on, and tubing sticking out of his chest filled with fluid and blood. His mom greeted me with a soft frailed handshake, I wanted to give her a hug but I felt that it was not appropriate. Clay was still alive. I held back my tears as I said hello. A nod and a blink of an eye consoled me. He acknowledged.

Flashback of Betty La fea on weekdays late afternoon where I escaped from work just to watch it with him at his house. then the Lilian Too fever caught up on both of us and our houses were like a feng shui shop found at the back alley of an old Hong Kong street. It is 5:00pm and called up his partner to find out the status of his scan result this morning. No result till monday after the holidays. Clay is back on the 3rd floor. Back in 1998, I remembered coming home from brunei where I used to work and dropped by at Olive's where I was introduced to Clarence. We became friends immediately, music brought us together. Him into chorals and me ..well my music. We've been to conserts, musical related events, you name it.

It is imminent that he may be sent to the Paliative Care unit , said his mom. My heart sank. I gave a brave smile to to her at the hospital and said be strong to his sister. I gave his partner a pat on the shoulder. And what his partner said broke me into pieces. "I do not have any leaves left. I am not going to stay in Seremban waiting for bad news. I might as well take a long one month. If he leaves, I want to be there with him, to be there during his last breath." I finally said I had to make a move. I reached my car, sat down and I cried, and cried and cried...

"Some gifts are big, others are small. Gifts from the heart are the best gifts of all."

Diving In Murky Waters.

Ok..yes another post. But this time we were looking forward to it. Mus, our dive master said that it's going to be murky due to the heavy rain and strong winds yesterday. He was right. We did the boat dive. I was dying for a wee..and really cannot tahan already. My bladder was screaming like Mariah Carey doing her high notes. I needed to go. So I told the dive master I'll do it first. He gave some pointers and then I kneed his balls! Hahhaa.. I was sitting at the edge getting ready to do a triple twist, pipe dive difficulty 8.3. Then he said two fingers on the mask and bend your knees before you flip backwars. "How? Like this?" and I accidentally hit his balls! "I hope you already have kids." he said yes, laughing and I dived in. He laughed so I knew he was ok.

Then I wet my pants. Felt so good. No wonder kids love doing t. I really think its intentionally. Then my buddy followed. He did a 9.2 dive. Very nice. Then everyone followed suit. We got close together and started to dive. What happened next can only be described as undignified. It was damn murky with a visibility of 1 meter!! I saw nothing. For all I cared, Elvis could have been diving next to me and I couldn't tell. Even my buddy was gone. I started to breathe a bit harder, nervously. The tranquility of the sea abruptly interrupted only by my weezing and sputtering. Darth Vader would have been proud. Then it was sand, I hit sand, head first. To make things worse I tried so hard to stabilise my self due to the bad visibility and I was totally disoriented, fin like a turtle in heat. No fun. It was not the best day as my regulator was leaking water and it was falling off my mouth. Murky water, lost buddy and my hands were everywhere. After ascending and descending few times , and what seems like eternity, we finally call it a break, 20 minutes of chaotic diving. Then one of the leisure divers, a doctor started to have nose bleed. Obviously, I swam as far as I can because he was a potential shark fodder for the misinformed, like me.

Lunch...then we went to Police Bay to try there but similar case, murky. We finally did our second dive at Manahon Bay. Much better. We can see, I can see the light! My bouyancy was much better and everyone was having a blast after a while. We went deeper to find Nemo. And after struggling with the regulator, we did managed to find few corals and fish. Nemo was not in a good mood, shying away for us. Except Mesh, he seemed to have this animal magnetism. the little fish were prancing around him and Nemo literally mistaken him hand as corals. Show off! But scenic view was not what I expected. I was secretly hurling abuses at dive magazines and Discovery channel.

Nevertheless, the third dive, was much more interesting. Without the dive master!! Mesh led but he told us to stay close and not to go deeper than 10m. After a gruelling 15 minutes..my legs were getting a bit tired though and we surfaced soon after. Overall, it was a luke warm session but good news though. We are going again on monday. Yipee.. Dive master Mus said that it was too murky to do the compass and emergency ascend without O2. Hmmm..

Dive Buddy

Mesh was and going to be my permanent dive buddy. He started out well with his duties but when we went down 12 meters in the second dive, he somehow got a bit too carried away chasing Nemo..hehehe.. When I searched for him, he was about 2 meters below me. But he eventually came back,(guess nemo swam off). We both did quite well and so did the group. First dive was a bit challenging because I couldn't equalize at 7 meters. I had to ascend up to 5 meters and equalize again till my eye stopped hurting (it's like a really a piercing pain above the eye socket..ouucchh!. Eventually I went down to 8 meters. Nice. The second dive was much easier but I initially got a bit nervous when I realised that we were at 10 meters. was not too fond of the big blue.

The corals weren't so great there but enough to keep my mind off 'diving' and having fun. After that we did well on the Safety Stop. No one zooms up quickly. We managed to stay for 3 minutes and followed the dive master up. Yippeee..! Mesh was the last to surface. I finally faced my fears!!! Yes!!! Now, it's the Lizards. Oh no..! God give me strength for that one.

Diving Day

1st Day Scuba Class

We started at 9:00 am and watched movies...the videos by PADI rather. Went throught the models 1-4. Izwan, Romy Mesh are from ATI, Romy's brother and his friend were also there. This is going to be fun, namely during the confined diving tomorrow.. So, we went through the modules but by 3 pm I was falling asleep. I had a little hang over due to the drinking session with Joe, Osmand, Jerry, Arteo and Mesh. Never drink Chivas , beer and lihing in one night..ewww.. So tonight I'm staying in and watch Akademi fantasia. I'm not much of a fan though as I was on the net whilst listening to the consert in TV. I like Stacy though. I'm a fan. So I'm getting my gear ready fro tomorrow and hope able to keep a neutral buoyancy in order to dive. It's going to be crazy fun.

Meeting in KK

Its the time of the month where I fly to KK again for meeting. I believe this is going to be a good meeting with my sales, profitability and customer survey all up!Yeah. So I'm basically going to sit in and enjoy the ride. What the Chinese always say,I can be a bit Lan sei lan nyong (stuck up)..hehhee.

But..I'm looking forward for the scuba diving class this weekend. I am terrified of the sea. It's like, when the bank calls you up and say "I'm sorry sir, your credit cards have been cancelled". Oh No! Or, you comeback from your routine medical check up and the doctor says "o.k,we have just completed your check up and we found out that you are a woman! You have ovaries. OMG!!So, I guess you know how I feel.

Having to swim 100m into the open blue is such a daunting thought..alamak! What if there is a shark,a nurse shark or any shark for that matter? I heard that they like to give your leg a nibble. Or what about Box jelly fish? Is it jelly fish season? On topof it all,is the diver master a certified diver,really? What if he actually flunked his test and he is actually pretending to be a dive master? And have our coast guard being informed about any pirates? Imagine doing your class,and these Abu Shayaf guys come and kidnapped usall? Who's gonna take care of my dogs? And worse scenario,..they take away my sunblock cream!!! arrrgghhhh!!!! All these thoughts are playing on my mind..can I make it through that 3 uncertain days. Will God forsaken me? Hahahaaa....drama! I can't imagine if there are real peopleout there who actually would think or feel this way.

But we'll see how it goes. This is the year where I'll be doing a lot of stuff I've dreamt about but not done for whatever reason such as bungy jump & tandem sky diving.

Meeting's gonna start in 10mins,so gonna get ready. Ciao!! Love for all,Hatred to none.

More Pics

More pics to consider for the album ...hmm dunno..


Photographed By Mesh.

Relationships

I read Mesh's blog and reminded me of a certain relationship. I do agree with Mesh that when you leave a relationship resentful, then the opening chapter would be a fake one of which I believe may escalate to an ugly one. The rubbish inside is still there. The only regret I had with my previous relationship was to let it eat up my life and not making the decision to terminate the bond when I should have done so. It could have had a better closure. But then again, who would know. I mysef personally believe that it is the 'rubbish' that we keep within us that will amplify the current situation, making it yucky and smelly. Some of us hold grudges, hate, jealousy, negativity as a whole,..that's the rubbish I'm talking about.

We empty our trash on regular basis right. So why can't we do the same with our feelings? I had soem financial problems in the past and it really bugged me and I realised dwell to that 'rubbish' would be a catalyst to the outcome of your decision making, namely in your relationship. The number one downfall to all relationship, finances. Yeah we all have our share of financial woes but letting it resonant freely without much thought is scary. My solution is to clear the rubbish, and focus on the now and find your countermeasures. You will have a clearer, cleaner and odour-free decision making in life.

Most of us do not like, what I call the 'life mirror'. What's that? Its called a true, honest friend. We are afraid to see our faults, denying that we have a problem and worst still in some, knowing the situation and say 'well, that's me. Face it cause I ain't gonna change baby'. So be it, right? A relationship will break, eventually. Do we need to be proud? Is it a necessasity to 'loudly' exhibit or 'advertise' (i call it) to your acquiantances that you can do this, or I am brilliant in this without even much effort, or I was born brilliant? I don't know. You be the judge. I believe we are born different. The 16 rooms of characters identifies us all differently. And that's the thing makes us unique, I guess. So do we accept the differences in ur peers, friends and family.? Well hell yeah!

So what am I rambling about then right? Gee, damn I'm lost too.. or maybe not. The point I'd like to make is about..change. A little change today makes a lot of difference in each of our lives. It works in tandem and believe you me, the person closest to you will appreciate it. Don't hold grudges as it only makes you feel worse. The grudgee knows nothing about your feelings when you see him/her. And there you are, standing there angry..and for what? Live life happy. Let the rubbish go and your life will be a better one. I throw my trash regularly. My 'house' is cleaner and smell nice. And those who visits my 'house' will know it. Ciao!

Scuba Diving

One of my fears in life is the big blue. Yup, I am terrified of the sea. Other than lizards and going insane, I am scared shit of the sea. That is why I had a Maori tribal tattoo of a seahorse on my arm, a symbol of the sea, bravery..riiighghhtt. Class starts next week..ooohh. Oh No! So, I'm looking forward to it but at the same time, would rather do scuba in the swimming pool than the sea. I'm sure I'll be able to face my fears. I do hope so. No backing out now as I have postponed my lessons for 2 years now. Momma help!

Why drink?

Other than the fact that it make you do crazy stuff and might regret the next day. Last night I went out and met up with Bobby, Gidong and his brother. Mesh was there too. They had their beer and me my guiness. Its a local pub very close to where I live in Donggongon, Pusakag cafe to be exact. It is a bar where you don't have to pretend to be cool or project a certain type of image (of whatever you want to be). You can actually be you. Nevertheless after a set or two, Mesh and I left. Freda, Alvin and Fabian were at TNGC waiting, the every reason we adjourned from Pusakag. We got ourselves a bottle of Chivas to open at TNGC bar on the way there. The action starts immediately. After the drinking, everyone started to loosen up and starts rambling about anything and everything that crosses our mind. Be it about somebody else (ooh gossip it's called) or merely just something that doesn't makes much sense.

Laughter followed and the dancing and the singing and the drinking and more drinking. 12 midnight was not really a great time to start, yup, late we were but we made it up by staying back late. In fact,as I recall, the staff were whining (over the bar) as we were the last one to leave the bar. Oh, no Ellie and her sis was at the other table (a friend of mine). Trashed. Yes we were. And I had to drive Fabian home to Putatan! I remembered the journey there but I vaguely remembered how I drove back home. Never ever drive! Kids, don't drive if you want to drink. Thank goodness it was a holiday weekday and there were hardly any cars at 3:30am. So,.. waking up this morning was o.k. No hang overs! No dead brains cells though. Someone in the past told me that alcohol destroys our brain cells. Now here's a fact. Moderate consumption of alcohol does not destroy brain cells. In fact it is often associated with improved cognitive (mental) functioning. In my book, 2 bottles of Chivas is moderate. So, I guess I'm not going cuckoo. In fact, I'm getting smarter!

So, back to the question. Why drink? I seriously don't know, and that is the very reason why, starting today.. I am not even going to bother to ask this question ever again. Ever.. emmm. Because, I've realised that there are many good reasons why we drink. In fact, I do believe I have reasons to think about tomorrow night. And, guess what guys! An extensive research around the world has found that alcohol consumption be does not cause weight gain in men and is often associated with a small weight loss in women. Good news. Yam Seng!!!