This Used To Be My Playground Part 2

"Mommy these bricks are heavy" I said. I was carrying 3 bricks from the old house to the new house we were building. Several months later the house was completed. We were ecstatic. There were four of us kids now, my elder sister Grace, me, little sister Maria and the baby Adalita. I remembered mom & dad worked really hard doing the house. But it was cool coz the house is finally done. I got a small room. My sisters got the bigger room. We had a bigger kitchen, bigger house. It was grand! I was 5.

Then i got enrolled to St.Francis Kindergarten at the age of 5. I remembered when dad left, I screamed and cried and climbed the fence. A teacher tried to pull me off the fence. Aahh, I remembered that. But the very next day i couldn't wait to go to school. I love those plastercines. And i was quite the ladies man. I remembered kissing a girl or two. And those girls loved me. hahaha..must be my puppy dog eyes at that time. Now.. i wondered what happened to these girls.

At 6 I was enrolled to Sacred Heart Primary school. Darjah 1 Hijau. I remembered those wooden chairs & desk, damn small. I couldn't believe it when I visited my old school 2 years ago, and went to my old classroom. I was so small. I was at Sacred Heart Primary till I was at standard 6. I had a blast. I even started taking the bus home from standard 3. We were really independent kids back then. I bet my sisters would never let their kids take the bus. I did a lot of sports in primary school, and loads of fighting during recess time. We always have a 'fight' with the class 6 Merah. It went on from standard 5 to 6. I just love fighting I guess. Those days lunch was fried mee hoon and tow foo. It was around 50 cents only. What can you get at that price now? hehehehe.. Life was good.

This Used To Be My Playground Part 1

I used to love the sound of the raindrops on our zinc roof at Papar. I still do, maybe a reminisce of my childhood. I was probably 3 years old that time. Life was very hard. My dad worked hard to support his mestiza wife and two kids, my elder sister and me. Mom was pregnant carrying my sister Maria. Living in an old delipidated house, I remembered playing with our neighbours kids at the back of our wooden house. Mom was busy selling peanuts and watermelon to school children passing by our house. We were very poor. My four year old sister tried her best sealing the peanut filled plastic bag by burning the edges with a candle. My tiny hands couldn't coordinate well as I got burnt few times. Mom, wouldn't let me do it, so I resorted on playing football or throwing stuffs with my neighbours. We didn't have enough sometimes, that my dad would take me fishing by the river, Buang Sayang, I think. Yeah, we have dinner! That was all that could remember other than fall on my mouth once playing at the back of the kitchen where it had an open space. I would spread talcum powder all over and start sliding or 'skating' on the wooden floor with the neighbours kids. I had fun till i fell and broke my front tooth. Mom was not happy. She was the disciplinarian.

I remembered my dad driving a Fiat, EJB368. I loved that car coz I get to sit in front with that bench type seat. Dad used to put me on his lap when he drives and me pretending to drive that old Fiat. The steering wheel was thinner than those we have today. Then one day we moved to Kampung Dabak Penampang, my dad's kampong. We stayed in this way cooler wooden house, with large wooden windows. It was really exciting when we moved in. Mom started planting plants in Milo tins where she would put along the 4-5 steps staircase. I remembered food was enough, just enough. I remembered having fish 'basung' for lunch, some vegetables because that was all we could afford. Nevertheless mom always gets us really nice clothes. My sister Grace was always in this bareback dress. I seemed to recall, that's all she ever wore most of the time. I was always in little cute white singlets and shorts. Mom always insisted me wearing pyjamas at night with my little white shirt. One day though, my mom saw my 'talent' in sliding, so she made use of that so called skill to polish the floor using coconut husk. Initally I was so excited, I was sliding the husk , polishing the wooden floor enthusiastically. Then one day, I started to dread that task. But I had a wonderful childhood then. Then came my sister Maria, we call her Lulu. My sister & I took turns on the bouncy net to put her to slip. I sometimes fell asleep on the floor before she did.

As life was tough then, mom taught my sister and myself to cook, boil water using charcoal & firewood. I'm telling you it's exciting stuff! Then one fine day, I remembered mom got my sister dressed up and me too, as we were celebrating her birthday. The kampong kids started coming, I was busy playing with my aeroplane. I remembered her calling me, to sing happy birthday to my sister. I think she was four, in her brown floral bareback again. Having a cake was like winning the lottery then. Mom was more excited than us. She boiled some red coloured eggs. We hardly have them anymore I guess. The little party burst into full gear when us kids start screaming and playing. Mom told me not to start fighting with my sister, as we fight all the time.

We were poor then, but mom taught us about being happy to what we have. Was it a hard life? It was but we were happy until...

RESOLUTION

I have just finished, finally, arranged one of my songs to be included in my Engliah album. Me & Ben(my younger brother) completed it tonight after he made tortilla. Aahh, good to have a chef at home.

Resolution - this song is about people having to go through life changes and making resolutions to be better or do this they have not dreamed of doing. Its a dance track of which I am in the midst of negotiating with some dancers. Will be meeting them tomorrow and let them listen to the track. I will be performing this song hopefully, at the Miss Universe 2010 pageant at Beverly Hotel, kota Kinabalu in conjunction to the World AIDS day. Yup I'm doing this for free but heck, I get free publicity too. Ain't that bad though.

Need to get my dance routine ready by this weekend. I have 3 weeks to practise the dance routine which I hope would be fantastic! Fingers crossed.

What's Gonna Happen in 12 months Time

Let's see

22nd Nov 2010 - Launch Mr.Kaamatan 2010, 2011 Calendar

23rd Nov 2010 - Scuba Diving at Sapi Island

27th Nov 2010 - Calendar Photoshoot with Miss Universe 2010 at Mamutik Island

4th Dec 2010 - Miss Universe 2010 at Beverly Hotel

Preview of my new single during the event.

17th Dec 2010 - Launch Ms Universe Calendar 2011

18th Dec 2010 - Scuba Diving at Sapi island

24th Dec 2010 - Christmas with Family

25th Dec 2010 - Christmas overseas

30th Dec 2010 - Wedding photoshoot

10th Jan 2011 - KL Photoshoot

24th Feb 2011 - Taipei, Taiwan trip

9th March 2011 - Photoshoot, Mr Gay World. Manila (hmm interesting stuff).

April 2011 - Holiday somewhere exotic

27 May 2011 - Melbourne, Australia

June 2011 - Mr.Kaamatan 2011

July 2011 - No Plans

August 2011 - Bangkok

Sept 2011 - Nope nothing

Oct 2011 - Nope nothing too

Nov 2011 - No plans

Dec 2011 - Egyptian Holiday

We Do Need To Change

"I love you just the way you are". "I love you for who you are". Heard this before? To me personally, I find this statement overrated. I believe that change is sometimes good if it is a positive one. There is nothing wrong in changing ourselves. I do not believe in staying stagnant, refuse to change oneselves for betterment.

When we have a traumatic breakup, most times, we as human beings would make references to the past, reliving the chapters of the past and make comparisons. Now, I do this or let me rephrase it, I did it. A change is inevitable. Attitude towards a future relationship changes. Your perception changes. How you look and assess a new partner changes as well. I for one am more careful. I do not fall in love easily. It'll take me months before I could say the word I love you, and mean it. And now, it'll probably take even longer I guess. Fundamentally I am still the easy going, goofy, honest guy that everyone knows. However when it comes to the matters of the heart, then I have changed, not that much but enough for myself to notice. Don't get me wrong though. I have changed in a good positive way. I try, yup try to look at people's best characters. And try to learn to understand their negative traits more. That way, I am able to accept them eagerly and who knows eventually love them.

But till then, I am learning still but I am a believer in change and progress. I want to be a less bitter person and less competitive and most of all being judgmental. Is there any hope, then I hope there is. We do need to change.

I COULDN'T SLEEP

1:43am 28th Oct 2010. The only thing that is accompanying me other than my notebook isthe sound of the ceiling fan put on number 4. It is a warm night I must say. Nothing on but my light green checkered boxers. Normally, I would be asleep by now but somehow I am just not sleeping. Yawning my way through this post, I have nothing much in mind really. Nope, no problems at work. Neither do I have much of a personal problem lingering in my near inactive head nor do I suffer from insomnia, I do hope not. Maybe it's just one of those nights where, well, I just am not dozing of to zzzland.

This is probably a desperate attempt to make myself yawn enough, to hit my sleep button. I'd normally would just laze around the bed, rolling to every side of my queen size bed and eventually hit the sleep button. Don't we just wished we have the snooze, hibernate button. Sleep JR, sleep.. Working yet? Nope. I probably have a lot on my mind lately, subconsciously i am not so aware off. Or who am I kidding. I do. It's one of those time in your life where your decision will have a huge repercussion on another individual's life other than yours. They say it's cruel to be kind or it's kind to be cruel or what the heck! I can't think straight. Let's just say, I am planning to make a decision that may alter my present life and move to another chapter.

Start counting sheep JR. Backwards I was told. If I could only detach myself for a mere minute, I could probably get close enough to hit that elusive sleep button, for tonight anyway. Know what, a couple glasses of red wine would probably help. Naahh,..I'll stop here and get myself rolling all over the bed now. I'm sure to hit that sleep button soon enough. Here goes....

What's That Ice Cream Flavour?

Having tonnes of documents to sign, I reluctantly pushed my notebook away just to have these "bundles of joy" cleared. Nevertheless, there are things on my mind that keep playing over and over again like an old broken gramaphone. Do one really need to be in love to be in a relationship? Or do people really start out as friends and jumped into a relationship and slowly, like a tide, falls into romance?

Maybe when I had that traumatic break up last year, being in the receiving end of 3 broken relationships all due to betrayals, I am probably now too afraid of being in love. Maybe the fear of getting hurt again is just to pronounce. Sometimes in many lonely nights, that fear resonants and I just can't help feeling empty as the loneliness crept to my veins. Some days I feel like running away from it all, running aimlessly in the woods hopping the big bad wolf would gobble me up in his big tum-tum. Some days the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't stop moving, making me feel like regurgitating.

Where am I going now, sometimes I asked myself? I am happier than I was few months back, though. Yup, though. Immersing myself in the depth of these bundles of joy, work.. sometimes helps me to get these things off my head. I feel like the synapses of my brain are working overtime, shooting information at warp speed. I just don't feel right. Have you ever had an ice cream and tried to identify the flavour but you just can't? It tastes like vanilla but its not. Its not corn but it has a caramel taste. Its like that. I am contended but I can't figure out contended of what. And there are times, I wanted more ice cream to really identify their tastes to be sure. What's that ice cream's flavour? Get me?

When we are in a relationship, especially when it has just begun. Remember the adrenaline rush? The drug-like feeling (of course have not tried that) but that rush? The feeling of emptiness when you don't see your loved one. That burst of happiness you feel when you see him/her passing by the corridor. The wide smile you have when you get sweet text messages from them. I don't get those. I think I may have lost that 'in love' feeling. There's a void inside that I am yearning to fill up, however, I just can't put my finger on it.

I'd better get back to work. Relationships are great but so damn confusing sometimes. I need to get myself sorted out. Where's the Guiness!