I COULDN'T SLEEP

1:43am 28th Oct 2010. The only thing that is accompanying me other than my notebook isthe sound of the ceiling fan put on number 4. It is a warm night I must say. Nothing on but my light green checkered boxers. Normally, I would be asleep by now but somehow I am just not sleeping. Yawning my way through this post, I have nothing much in mind really. Nope, no problems at work. Neither do I have much of a personal problem lingering in my near inactive head nor do I suffer from insomnia, I do hope not. Maybe it's just one of those nights where, well, I just am not dozing of to zzzland.

This is probably a desperate attempt to make myself yawn enough, to hit my sleep button. I'd normally would just laze around the bed, rolling to every side of my queen size bed and eventually hit the sleep button. Don't we just wished we have the snooze, hibernate button. Sleep JR, sleep.. Working yet? Nope. I probably have a lot on my mind lately, subconsciously i am not so aware off. Or who am I kidding. I do. It's one of those time in your life where your decision will have a huge repercussion on another individual's life other than yours. They say it's cruel to be kind or it's kind to be cruel or what the heck! I can't think straight. Let's just say, I am planning to make a decision that may alter my present life and move to another chapter.

Start counting sheep JR. Backwards I was told. If I could only detach myself for a mere minute, I could probably get close enough to hit that elusive sleep button, for tonight anyway. Know what, a couple glasses of red wine would probably help. Naahh,..I'll stop here and get myself rolling all over the bed now. I'm sure to hit that sleep button soon enough. Here goes....

What's That Ice Cream Flavour?

Having tonnes of documents to sign, I reluctantly pushed my notebook away just to have these "bundles of joy" cleared. Nevertheless, there are things on my mind that keep playing over and over again like an old broken gramaphone. Do one really need to be in love to be in a relationship? Or do people really start out as friends and jumped into a relationship and slowly, like a tide, falls into romance?

Maybe when I had that traumatic break up last year, being in the receiving end of 3 broken relationships all due to betrayals, I am probably now too afraid of being in love. Maybe the fear of getting hurt again is just to pronounce. Sometimes in many lonely nights, that fear resonants and I just can't help feeling empty as the loneliness crept to my veins. Some days I feel like running away from it all, running aimlessly in the woods hopping the big bad wolf would gobble me up in his big tum-tum. Some days the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't stop moving, making me feel like regurgitating.

Where am I going now, sometimes I asked myself? I am happier than I was few months back, though. Yup, though. Immersing myself in the depth of these bundles of joy, work.. sometimes helps me to get these things off my head. I feel like the synapses of my brain are working overtime, shooting information at warp speed. I just don't feel right. Have you ever had an ice cream and tried to identify the flavour but you just can't? It tastes like vanilla but its not. Its not corn but it has a caramel taste. Its like that. I am contended but I can't figure out contended of what. And there are times, I wanted more ice cream to really identify their tastes to be sure. What's that ice cream's flavour? Get me?

When we are in a relationship, especially when it has just begun. Remember the adrenaline rush? The drug-like feeling (of course have not tried that) but that rush? The feeling of emptiness when you don't see your loved one. That burst of happiness you feel when you see him/her passing by the corridor. The wide smile you have when you get sweet text messages from them. I don't get those. I think I may have lost that 'in love' feeling. There's a void inside that I am yearning to fill up, however, I just can't put my finger on it.

I'd better get back to work. Relationships are great but so damn confusing sometimes. I need to get myself sorted out. Where's the Guiness!