I COULDN'T SLEEP

1:43am 28th Oct 2010. The only thing that is accompanying me other than my notebook isthe sound of the ceiling fan put on number 4. It is a warm night I must say. Nothing on but my light green checkered boxers. Normally, I would be asleep by now but somehow I am just not sleeping. Yawning my way through this post, I have nothing much in mind really. Nope, no problems at work. Neither do I have much of a personal problem lingering in my near inactive head nor do I suffer from insomnia, I do hope not. Maybe it's just one of those nights where, well, I just am not dozing of to zzzland.

This is probably a desperate attempt to make myself yawn enough, to hit my sleep button. I'd normally would just laze around the bed, rolling to every side of my queen size bed and eventually hit the sleep button. Don't we just wished we have the snooze, hibernate button. Sleep JR, sleep.. Working yet? Nope. I probably have a lot on my mind lately, subconsciously i am not so aware off. Or who am I kidding. I do. It's one of those time in your life where your decision will have a huge repercussion on another individual's life other than yours. They say it's cruel to be kind or it's kind to be cruel or what the heck! I can't think straight. Let's just say, I am planning to make a decision that may alter my present life and move to another chapter.

Start counting sheep JR. Backwards I was told. If I could only detach myself for a mere minute, I could probably get close enough to hit that elusive sleep button, for tonight anyway. Know what, a couple glasses of red wine would probably help. Naahh,..I'll stop here and get myself rolling all over the bed now. I'm sure to hit that sleep button soon enough. Here goes....

What's That Ice Cream Flavour?

Having tonnes of documents to sign, I reluctantly pushed my notebook away just to have these "bundles of joy" cleared. Nevertheless, there are things on my mind that keep playing over and over again like an old broken gramaphone. Do one really need to be in love to be in a relationship? Or do people really start out as friends and jumped into a relationship and slowly, like a tide, falls into romance?

Maybe when I had that traumatic break up last year, being in the receiving end of 3 broken relationships all due to betrayals, I am probably now too afraid of being in love. Maybe the fear of getting hurt again is just to pronounce. Sometimes in many lonely nights, that fear resonants and I just can't help feeling empty as the loneliness crept to my veins. Some days I feel like running away from it all, running aimlessly in the woods hopping the big bad wolf would gobble me up in his big tum-tum. Some days the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't stop moving, making me feel like regurgitating.

Where am I going now, sometimes I asked myself? I am happier than I was few months back, though. Yup, though. Immersing myself in the depth of these bundles of joy, work.. sometimes helps me to get these things off my head. I feel like the synapses of my brain are working overtime, shooting information at warp speed. I just don't feel right. Have you ever had an ice cream and tried to identify the flavour but you just can't? It tastes like vanilla but its not. Its not corn but it has a caramel taste. Its like that. I am contended but I can't figure out contended of what. And there are times, I wanted more ice cream to really identify their tastes to be sure. What's that ice cream's flavour? Get me?

When we are in a relationship, especially when it has just begun. Remember the adrenaline rush? The drug-like feeling (of course have not tried that) but that rush? The feeling of emptiness when you don't see your loved one. That burst of happiness you feel when you see him/her passing by the corridor. The wide smile you have when you get sweet text messages from them. I don't get those. I think I may have lost that 'in love' feeling. There's a void inside that I am yearning to fill up, however, I just can't put my finger on it.

I'd better get back to work. Relationships are great but so damn confusing sometimes. I need to get myself sorted out. Where's the Guiness!

How I Look Like?

Imagine that..me. I heard people calling me ugly before and I couldn't be bothered the least. But when I had a breakup last year, my perception towards my self image changed 360 degrees. I've started to believe that what they were saying all this time may have some truth in them. They are probably right. I have always been an avid photographer even during university. The man behind the lens was I and still am. I hardly enjoy getting my photos taken nowadays. I tend to avoid as much as I can. Can anyone get traumatised due to a broken relationship. I was left for someone better looking? And what about those heartless remarks made by people on ones appearance? I guess so. I never thought that I could be effected by it all. Blaming it on the fashion magazines doesn't help because we do know that most is not all are photoshopped to perfection. I am ugly..? The question mark may be inappropriate put in such sentence.

But realistically I don't consider myself goodlooking or even average looking as a matter of fact. I detest taking pictures of myself or anyone taking mine for that matter. I get too preoccupied of myself and where possible avoid it at all cost. Last weekend was probably the worst in many months. I was celebrating my friend's birthday and I am normally the one with the camera. However, this time, a friend brought his too. And next thing you know, I had few pictures taken. Did I have a choice you may ask? It's a friend's birthday so the photo is an inevitable one. I hope none is published in Facebook.

Do I envy some friends who I consider goodlooking? Yes I do, and even people walking down the street, or even those with good skin. I envy them. But do I want to rip the skin off their faces, the temptation has yet to come out of the closet. I'd rather it stays there. So, in the mean time, I guess I am neither Robert Pattison nor Brad Pitt. I'm stuck with this face,this skin.. live with it? Just as long as I am off the picture literally, I guess I will be just fine.

OH SANDAKAN!

It was in the month of May, hot & humid , just after the Kaamatan that I was informed that I will be taking care of Labuan branch. Was I ecstatic? I had mixed feelings to be honest. I did initially think that Labuan isn't that far from KK and I could commute on a weekly basis back to KK. But some organizational changes came about and I ended up being 'thrown' to Sandakan, the land of the orang utans. It was early July in 2006, when I made my first trip there, recalled the feeling of uncertainty and looking for a place to live. Near four years and 5 dogs later, I am still in Sandakan.

Sure, I have bought a house in KK, a nice one and recently renovated. But due to the breakup I had in November 2009, like a strong wind blowing across the table, pieces started to fall off the jigsaw puzzle and all came chrashing down. Picking up the pieces was the easy part but to put them back together piece by piece was not an easy task and mind up, involved so many emotional ups and downs. Eventually, last week,..the last piece of the puzzle was laid to rest right at the center of the puzzle. Did I eventually find peace of mind, am I finally happier and was there a sigh of huge relief? Definitely no. You might say, 'but you have the dogs to keep you company'. True they are a bundle of joy and bless them, they gave me, my weekend dosage of company and amusement..they are a funny lot with 5 different characters.

Living to me, gives me a better understanding of life. I would hope that my characters have become deeper and more rounded in personalities. I suppose life itself is a process, a stage where everyone holds a character. Now that I am older and wiser,..I take charge of my life better and see things on a broader range rather than see things that I wanted to see, that give me contentment and comfort. Fast forward,..here I am, looking for a new home for me and the dogs in Sandakan. Never did it came to mind that I'd be staying here 'permanently' after having to drive or fly to and fro for 4 long years. I have dreaded the thought of living in Sandakan and going through the weekends as I have experienced a couple of weekends grinding my teeth and praying that monday would come quickly. But then again, what was I doing? Look, it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. True?

Sandakan,..the place where I will finally settle down. Wondering what will happen to my new house in Penampang? Well I'm renting it out, two rooms anyway as I am keeping my room as and when I'm in town which will be like once a month. Sandakan may not have the finest pubs or bars or places that I enjoy going to but with the dogs by my side, a great career and someone who loves me but at a far distant..am I complaining? Not at all, not anymore that is. I have a good life.. I'm grabbing the bull by its horns and enjoy the wild crazy ride life has to offer. So, I might fall but heck, I can always stand up and start flying high again. I'm going to do it the right way..more often , people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, more money in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. I think it actually works in reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

Sandakan is a great town after all, I merely need to stop restricting and start opening up and see the beauty it has to offer. This is my home now.

WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?

I don't know.. I guess companionship. I good friend of mine said that I am a relationship kinda guy. I've have never been single since 2001. I even forgot how to date..scary. But now that I have truly moved on and dating again, I am beginning to enjoy the single life. I couldn't believe the number of people who actually fancy me! I have 2 proposals, as in to be in a committed relationship. It sounded great initially, but I asked myself just one time, yup just the one.. I think I'd give it a pass ..for now. Maybe I haven't met the right one yet.

Nevertheless, I do believe that I am actually enjoying myself without that 'tied down' feeling. You know when you are in a relationship and the 'reporting' of your whereabouts, your activities. I guess I'm not gonna miss that for now. So far from what my friend Max's statement,..love this guy, he's so funny. Sorry to disappoint you Max but frankly speaking I'm enjoying what I'm doing now..living my life to the fullest and smelling as many flowers as I can.. Bliss!

Understanding Friends

1:00 noon. I am still contemplating whether to take rice or something light today. I read an article saying that after a nice vacation, the 'feel good' feeling will resonate within you and stays there for at least 6 weeks. I must admit I had a great time in Manila last weekend with great friends. You get to know friends much better during holidays because I believe that the inhibitions are less and everyone wants to have fun. Hmm, my stomache's growling again second time in the last 20 minutes. Rice, noodles, buns.. we do this all the time don't we, not being able to choose what to eat.

Having said this, the weather is a bit too hot to handle nowadays so I might just sit in the office. Indecisiveness creeping in,..damn it. Oh Ok, i'll drive out and find something..anything. Like few people I know, they eat anything! I have one friend who has an uncanny ability to eat a lot of rice! 3 bowls at one session.! damn and he isn't that big at all. But where is he now.? I found out something really unexpected after I broke up with my ex. When we were together, we were always in this bunch of close friends who calls, text and go out for lunches, breakfasts, outings etc. However, after my ex cheated and betrayed me for one of our friends,..everyone has more affinity towards my ex. Oh yes, my ex is the more casual, fun, easy going type and i believe so am I. It has been 4 months now and nothing much changed.

I had an expectation that we you are a 'victim', you'll get more emotional support from your friends to get you going etc..those kind of bullshit. Am I bitter? Not so much now as I do know who my real friends after all. When you are down and out, initially they say its ok, you'll get through this. And then they shift to my ex and support the 'betrayer' more..and still are. Gone are the days of lunches, breakfasts, outings together. Hmm stomach still rumbling so I must eat. I guess I had too high of expectations on them afterall, we are friends for over 2 years. I must admit that they may also avoided inviting me, as my ex and the new love are in that group and they are trying to avoid confrontations and uneasiness. Well, I convince myself well enough.

My friend Jeff mentioned that Friends has No season,..but they do. Some anyway.. I don't have much expectations on friends nowadays. I had my share of betrayals by my so called best friend of 20 years. But I forgave him and his shortcomings regardless. I suppose that makes our lives a much more prolific and colorful in some rambling kinda sense. True and good friends are not complicated, I believe. They call you or text you just to say hi. To me, that is enough to justify a good friend. They care and remember.

MY CHRISTMAS TREE

Oh yeah, christmas is just around the corner and everyone's busy with stuffs like,booking their flights back home town, buying christmas presents, planning which church to go to etc. I myself am picking up the pieces of a broken heart. And I must admit I am doing quite well.

I have started dating again and its kinda funny but somehow or rather one or two gave me the vibes. Ssshh..we don't kiss and tell who. So, I am going to spend more time with friends this Christmas and New Year but then again, I have always been even when I was attached. The love we get from friends is different but nevertheless genuine and honest..I'll take it any day. This year, I am planning to give more..

Here I am sitting comfortably in my own office, looking out at the window. Sounds of pitter patter on the window, as it drizzles so lightly. So, I am blessed with a great job & good pay but I do feel sometimes that even my close friends think I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. Contrary to that, I was brought up very poor. We never had a christmas tree or celebration of that sort until I was in my teens. Even then we didnt have presents just empty boxes and a dead tree from last year. We had eggs, boiled chicken & kangkong for Christmas dinner. But we were happy. I remembered when I was three, we lived in Papar in an old shack, where you can literally see through the floor and bamboo walls. I never knew what Christmas was. We sold melons and peanuts to school children passing though our old house. And when we moved to Kg.Dabak, Penampang, our home was slightly upgraded to a 2 bedroom wooden house. I remembered putting cotton on plants imagining it was a christmas tree. There weren't any presents but I remembered my mom slaughtering a chicken and we had chicken for Christmas. Dad was only making $700 a month with 4 mouths to feed.

Those days are gone but still a vivid & pleasant, yes,pleasant memory. Years later, I studied hard and got good grades and furthered my studies to UITM and then to Liverpool,UK. I worked hard since then and I am blessed because I am here now and thank Lord Jesus for his blessings. Under my Christmas tree this year, I have presents to give,..a bit of possessions to give to those who truly deserve it. I have love, and I will give to those who truly wants my heart and expect nothing in return. And my warmest wish to all a wonderful peaceful Christmas. God Bless.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL..